Give James Madison an Asterisk.

James Madison, the 4th President of the United States was a very important guy. Before being elected to the task of running this country, he did something, one could argue, that was even more incredible. James was the author of the Bill of Rights.

The Bill of Rights was the document which spelled out the first 10 amendments that would later be expanded to 27 numbered amendments over the next 200 or so years. I wonder what those 10 amendments may have looked like if they were written today. The list could be the same list. I kind of like the list. It does the job of broadly covering a lot of things. But….what if James had an asterisk * at his disposal.

You know the asterisk. It’s the one that looks like *. I also know that if James were here today, he would surely ask me for a little help because of my ability to constructively use the *. Yes James, I will re-write your Bill of Rights and add the *’s.

Amendment 1 – Freedom of religion, speech, the press, assembly, and petition*

*Freedom of religion is permitted except in the instance of needing to drop to your knees and face east. Freedom of Speech is fine, just don’t talk badly about the President in Rolling Stone Magazine, Freedom of the Press is okay, unless an accidental photo is taken of Miley Cyrus inability to dress for success, Freedom of Assembly is accepted but don’t get caught as the oldest guy at the Justin Beiber concert without a kid wearing a trench coat and Freedom of Petition is always allowed because no one pays attention to petitions.

Amendment 2 – Enumerates the right to keep and bear arms*

*Unless you intend to use one to protect yourself, at that point you will be arrested, need bail, have a trial, found not guilty but be forced to pay thousands in legal fees to defend yourself.

Amendment 3 – Bans forced quartering of soldiers in private houses during peacetime; in a time of war, Congress is allowed to pass a law that mandates quartering*

*After the foreclosure opportunities dry up, expect a Cuban Conflict. The homes in The Keys are gorgeous this time of year.

Amendment 4 – Interdiction of unreasonable searches and seizures; a search warrant is required to search persons of property*

*unless you live in Arizona and have a tan and dark hair and roll your “R”’s or have piñata’s at your son, Jose’s birthday.

Amendment 5 – Indictments, due process; self incrimination; double jeopardy; rules of eminent domain*

*Unless you have made money working for a bank. If this is the case, tell everyone how you did it.

Amendment 6 – Rights to a fair and speedy trial, to a notice of accusations, to confront the accuser, to subpoenas, and to counsel*

*Unless your Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. They do not have to worry because we will pardon your war crimes anyway.

Amendment 7 – Provides for the right to trial by jury in civil cases*

*even you “the coffee was to hot from McDonalds and burned my legs” lady from Wisconsin.

Amendment 8 – Bans cruel and unusual punishment, and excessive fines and bails*

*Sitting though Kristin Stewart interviews and all of the other Twilight actors as well as Kevin Costner do not qualify as cruel and unusual punishment.

Amendment 9 – Unenumerated Rights*

*don’t worry, no one knows!

Amendment 10 – Limits the powers of the federal government to only those specifically granted by the constitution*

*Yes Barack, you get the keys to the money room and can give it all to the Palestinians whenever you want to.

There are 17 more numbered amendments. Add your own Asterisks. If James were here, he would say it’s okay.

I work on a floor with 480 people. The ratio is approximately even, half men and half woman. We have two men’s and two lady’s rooms. While I have not had any observation time in the lady’s bathroom, I have spent a fair amount of time in the men’s.
There is an unspoken protocol in the men’s room which essentially forms the basis of a primitive governmental structure. While there is no Roberts Rules of Order, there is a noticeable hierarchy.

The first person in the men’s room assumes his role as a leader. He chooses his location and essentially sets the tone for the room. Depending on his activity, he can alter the surroundings on both a sensory and dynamic front. If he chooses the stall to, say, urinate, it almost always is not only an exercise for the purpose of comfort, but there is a tendency to mark this territory either purposely or simply by poor flow or aim. Too often this area remains unusable until help arrives in the form of housekeeping.

On the other hand, l if he chooses a urinal, here is where things get tricky. In our restroom, there are three urinals. Both the center and left one are the same height. The one furthest right is a good 6 inches lower than the other two. If he should choose the center, I see this as a territorial move rendering the other two urinals nearly unusable until he vacates.
A set of simple rules apply at the urinal: 1) never use the urinal next to someone who has established position. 2) Never talk to an individual if they are actively using a urinal. 3) Absolutely never look over the wall no matter how low it is or how tall you are. 4) When you are finished urinating, put yourself back together before turning around. This may be an issue with the common button fly 501 Levi brand jean, but take the time and complete this before rotating.
The lower urinal is an interesting fixture. For far too many years I considered this urinal reserved for children, short people or those with exceptionally, and I mean exceptionally long penises. But, as I got older, and started wearing the khaki colored Levi Docker, I have come to respect the simple notion of physics. By using the lower urinal, the splash back effect is nearly eliminated. If either a man or woman has ever splashed themselves on their khaki’s, they have seen the impact. The moisture spreads faster than a BP oil spill.

There was a politician who once had an issue in an airport. Apparently he attempted to communicate with foot signals under the stall. While hand signals are fair game in baseball, or Helen Keller stories, never is a foot signal permitted in a public restroom as an under-stall form of communication. I have been a witness to conversations stall to stall, but even this is unusual and rare and even uncomfortable.

Having been brought up in a family with two sisters and no brothers, I was taught early on to use the camping rule when using the bathroom. Leave the surroundings better than it was when you arrived. I have been known to wipe a seat down post use because it is the right thing to do. What I was not taught, but happily now employ is the correct use and timing of the courtesy flush. This activity is best used to quickly discard of offensive waste or to mask sounds which are best not broadcasted in the amplified surroundings of a tiled restroom cave. Sadly, this is not a typically taught skill, but those with sons, and maybe even daughters may want to include this is the life lessons.

The last observation is the placement of the garbage can. I am fortunate to work for a company who understands this and has conveniently positioned a sturdy basket close to the door. The purpose is to open the exit door with a paper towel in hand to prevent the handle to hand germ transfer (HHGT) and in a single motion discard the paper towel. While the intention is good, due to Al Gore, we no longer have paper towels in our restroom. As a result, we now have to use the wax paper seat covers as a mitt to open the door. Seems like a poor use of wax paper.
All of the above bathroom etiquette only apply to the men’s room and never apply to the men’s room at a gym. There they run by a completely different set of rules.

In the future we will review the proper length of time to thoroughly wash your hands (the birthday song) and optimal toilet paper length while remaining environmentally conscious.

My first Blog!

This is my first blog. Others have been blogging a long time. I am not sure when the first person blogged, or even why they chose to call it blogging. But, I get it. It's a blog. I chose to blog at the request of Friends who felt i should. I am a bit concerned about writing my thoughts as it is almost certain it will appear as an excerpt on the news in response to something I will eventually do. If I were to commit a crime, they would pull my blogs...if I were to win the power ball, they would pull my blog...if i were to thwart an attack, they would pull my blog.

That's ok.

My concerns these days focus around the use of social networking. I confess, my name is Jeff and I am a social networker. What a powerful tool. I read recently something someone wrote of things they wanted to do before they died...their answer was, they wanted to enter a time portal. I started thinking...really? Then join Facebook.

I have been a "member" for about 2 years. From nearly the first day I was "friended" by someone who I once knew. By "once" i mean like 30 years ago. In no time at all my friend base grew and was made up almost exclusively of people I once knew. I was transported back to a day before their were CD's, MP3's cell phones, and almost everything else I use nearly daily. Of course, by the very fact that I am well into my 40's I automatically qualified for the wayback machine version of Facebook. I suppose those in the current younger generation are using it for entirely different purposes. Me? I use it to look back lovingly. In the two years of membership the only thing missing from my experience was my 1976 Datsun 210. Facebook gives the opportunity to whine, cry, cheer torment and skip back and forth between teenage angst and the 40 something crowd. How fun!

I have shared moments of others loss, others gains and every emotion that comes with it. I became employed on Facebook, and watched others become unemployed. I have watched birth as well as death. And I have partied. Twice. With real people in a real place in New Jersey whom I once knew and now know in a way I have never known.

I have learned some things very interesting about people all of a result of Facebook: We tend to value our past more than we care to admit. Age is a great equalizer in both attitude and body image. It turns out we were better at picking Friends than our parents gave us credit for. It turns out we should not have been so conservative in those that we considered our friend. We know now that even the guy sitting next to you getting stoned with shoulder length hair in 1977 could grow up to be a Republican. It is sad to know that someone you know has died and you know this because of someone you now know again.

Like everything else, one moves on. I moved on from this group a long time ago. I don't really want to move on again for an even longer time.

Facebook is fun, and this is my first blog.