Swine

I am thankful I am a blogger because I believe I have just unlocked a huge worldwide mystery and am so fortunate to have a place to share my amazing discovery. Here is how it happened.

I was having a quiet night at home after a hard day’s work. I settled into a little “So you think you can Dance” and thought, why I am watching “So you think you can Dance?” This is when it happened. As if divine intervention, A chick fil-a commercial came on. You know the commercial…there is cow with poor spelling skills messaging the viewer to “Eat more Chicken”. I thought, there must have been some form of advertising back in the day of the authoring of the Bible.

I suspect the advertisement was “Eat more Mutton”. And, do you know who was behind this advertisement? It was the pigs.

It is my contention that the pigs, somewhere around year 23 AD launched a huge Middle Eastern advertisement campaign that effectively would remove them from most future menus. Here is how it must have happened.

They formed a union to disseminate information across the pig community. They knew that to successfully change the worlds eating habits, they would need to alter their perceived image. The orders came down to roll their bodies in any available filth and mud if the gaze of a human were doth upon them. (This is how even pigs had spoken back then). They were building a reputation of being dirty. People laughed at the pigs. One young girl was once heard to say, “Dirty pig funny, me laugh at pig”. The folks new that all they needed to do was wash the pig before cooking up their sweet succulent meat. This angered the pigs.

Next, through the swine network, they were told to eat anything. Literally, to eat anything. And they did. It was this that was the start of the curly tailed fellas fall from culinary biblical grace. This shift in reputation pleased the pigs greatly. For the first time, the pigs had hope for a brighter future.

Next, they emphasized their split hoof appendage. Even the pigs were not sure why this would be seen a bad thing, but they held out their footed hoof like a badge of honor is if it were the most grotesque abnormality. It worked.

It started slowly. First, the town’s folk addressed the pigs differently. People would be heard saying to the children “Isaac and Esther, stay away from that filthy split hoofed pig!” They were now referred to as “swine”. One could dine on a pig, but whom, I ask you, would dine on swine? The Swine farmers never saw it coming. It was nearly immediate that the pig buyers stopped coming around. Why didn’t Joe, Pete, Paul, Luke and their other 7 friends with that Mary girl come around a buy their weekly pig? Where was Moses? He was always good for a pig or two a week. What about the Pilot’s? They love pig.

They all stopped coming. They realized what was happening. The era of piglet propaganda had taken hold. Pigs were now swine and swine was now bad. The Pigs had achieved their goal. But still, the pigs were not satisfied. They needed more protection. They needed to be published.

There were no paparazzi back in the day. There weren’t any cameras. The cave drawing clan was long gone. Sure there were artists. But how do you draw a persuasion. They needed to be mentioned.

The pigs had heard of a book that was being written. This book was a record of all of the things that had been going on during this time. They knew of a fella, Jesus that was saying all kinds of stuff that was being quoted and written into this book. They knew the Moses family and they were saying some great stuff too that was being written into the competitions book. They needed to do the unthinkable. They needed to get into the book, all books.

One day, it happened. The culmination of one of the best animal born campaigns ever attempted. The Pigs code word for this covert operation was “D14:8”. Only the pigs knew what it was. It turned out that a female pig, living amongst the people, imbedded, acting like one of them, worked her way all the way to the guy writing the book.

And there it was. D14:8 was actually Deuteronomy 14:8. They got their mention. Years later it would be compared to the time Jerry Seinfeld appeared on Johnny Carson….a game changing, career making event. Deuteronomy 14:8 said…and I quote…”And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcass.”
Success! It was a huge victory. Everyone was reading this book. And there it was. Plain as, almost, English. Even the dumbest pigs figured it out. The most important rule book ever written said…no more eating pig. Well, it really said swine, but most pigs giggled when they referred to themselves as swine, so they normally say pig.

So goes the story of the greatest food based propaganda ever perpetrated by a split hoof species. More than 2000 years later it still works. And now the Chick-fil-a cows are ripping a page write out of history. If they succeed, what will the fish think? Could they be next? What if tomatoes, cucumbers, asparagus get organized…what then?

We need to break this pattern. Jew… go eat a ham sandwich. Muslims have some bacon. We have been fooled. And a word of warning to you potatoes, before you get any cute ideas….in the immortal words of George W. Bush…”Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, and we won’t get fooled again”…and I mean it.