The interesting thing about having a 50/50 child custody time share is this not only means I see my kids half the time, but for the first time in about 15 years I am alone half the time. That alone time carries almost the same responsibility of child rearing. It’s all about time and opportunity.
So, what to do with my free half time? I wrote a list. I penned these ideas in a very quiet moment. With each idea comes the realization that I may meet people and be faced with yet another decision; Do I want to get friends in this process or steep in my aloneness. The latter is so much easier to maintain. My list resembles a cross between a camp itinerary and a bucket list.
1. Take classes – I am not artistic. I can’t recognize my own signature so art class is out. I would take a home improvement class at Home Depot but since being ousted from my house and now in a rental, what’s the point. Dog training school may work except for my obsessive pre-occupation with the fact that owners resemble their pets except me, of course, because I have a black Labrador and I am clearly not Labradorean. I have considered higher education, but the classes are on line and spending all of my half time in front of a computer has a weird Ted Kaczynski ring to it and you saw how that turned out. Classes are out.
2. Dating - Well, maybe. And maybe not yet. But, if I did, I have options. There are singles groups. I remember going to these when I was single many years ago. My feelings back then were they should sell pre-noosed ropes at the door and a floor plan highlighting strong over head pipes that will hold my body weight. It was rare to see such a gaggle of miserable people and a collection of vintage prom dresses at the same time. A singles dance should be a paid theme park attraction to view. Put in Disney world in the new attraction called Loser World. It is a mess. Online dating is good, but even that gets unusual. Apparently there is a “lifestyle” out there that accepts bondage in the same way I accept pasta. For this group, it is just normal and I really don’t fit in to that …yet. For every hour of online chatting, it is equal to 6 months of dating. The relationship on line moves at lightning speed and inevitably turns to sex or innuendo. The only thing missing from online dating service subscription is a supply of hand lotion and a box of tissues. There are specialty online dating sites like J-Date or Plenty of Fish. The Fish site is loaded with very open minded experimenters who, based on their self made profiles, have no intention of ever running for public office. The J-Date is a site for Jewish singles. I look at the ladies’ profiles and I can only imagine exactly how long it would take for them to become whiney and insulting toward me. It probably would not happen…but it might.
3. Get out in public – I like people watching. I am not quiet at the age where I can go unnoticed so I need to pick my perches carefully. For example, sitting in a park alone means I am a pedophile, homeless or a Middle Eastern pilot. The library is passable, but who the hell goes to the library anymore? Join an exercise club might be good but even typing “e-x-e-r-c-i-s-e c-l-u-b” is exhausting. I did try the mall. I always hated going to the mall, and in many ways I still do. A recent trip to the mall proved uncomfortable. I took a break from people watching to use the restroom. The stench was staggering. Out of one of the stalls came a middle aged man. He not only was the cause of the odor, but he also did not wash his hands. I was appalled. When I returned to my bench, this filthy man must have walked past me with his family at least 5 times in the course of an hour. Each time he was holding the hand of one of his many trophies of fertility. It was a child’s little hand held by the viral hand of their trusted dad. Disgusting, and completely distracting. The pigman ruined this day for me.
4. Work – There should be a program offered by your employer to increase your pay if you decide to throw yourself at your job with your free half time. Work is a safe place. All of your things are there. You understand it. You can talk to people if you choose. Working extra hours may fill your time void, but it is not very productive, personally. I don’t see the immediate value, so I don’t do it.
5. Do nothing – This is certainly the easiest, but it is probably the most damning and dangerous. In my neighborhood, I don’t want to be known as the guy that only leaves his house to go to work, or beat his rugs. When I say “beat his rugs” I truly mean beating rugs. I don’t want to live out my last 30 or so years as the old man in the house that if a baseball goes into the yard, the kids leave it there out of fear that the “old man” will come out, capture them and bake them into a quiche. It works well in a fairy tale, but the realty would be bad. Doing nothing also leads to bad things like drinking, gambling and internet porn…and I really don’t want to drink.
6. The book store – If I want to validate my reality I can work on my flexibility so that I can sit cross legged on the floor between the self-help and psychology racks at a Barns and Noble. To solidify the stereotype, I can sip a five dollar Carmel Macchiato as I thumb through the pages of a Tony Robbins diatribe on “what the f&*k is wrong with you” books. If I build up the nerve, I can strike up a conversation with the frizzy haired red headed girl who doesn’t own any makeup and her pimples read like a brail copy of a Susan Grafton novel. Perhaps in the rows and rows of books, I will find myself.
7. Movies – Going to a movie alone is strange. Research Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) for further explanation.
I am new to this free time. I will figure it out eventually. I know there are good things in this somewhere and when I find it, and it will be great. Maybe I will travel, volunteer, write, run, and act. I will live. I will commit to being a whole heck of lot happier and active than I have been but I just don’t know where to start. These are one half of some very exciting days.
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